The Idea of Me

This post is about some things I have been thinking of lately. I know, I know, it doesn't really deal with my virginity. But, as I've posted, virginity does not define me, and there are other aspects of my dating life. In particular, the idea of marriage, and its stark rival, reality.

When you are young, the future is an abstract construct. Sure, things like college, bills, and even dinner seem concrete enough. But they don't exist as real concepts until they occur. Otherwise, they are just ideas. To me, as a kid, college was going to be exactly what the move PCU portrayed. I soon found out that the reality was far different from actuality. Youth is about living in the moment, without a whole lot of regard for what will be. Well, for everyone except for me. As a teenager, all I could think about was the future. My days were full of fantasies of far flung occupations and getting married. I never kissed in high school, let alone dated. I used these fantasies to get me through, I suppose. I didn't need a girlfriend. I was going skip the banal, shallow teenage dating thing, and just get married in college. Yea, that was the ticket. Well, once I started dating, I realized it was not that simple. Dating was going to be like groping for a glass of water in the dark either way.
Now, as an adult, I still get those fantasies of marriage. I know they are silly. I'll see a cute girl walking down the street, and imagine going on vacation to the mountains with her. Even before a first date, I'll be evaluating text messages for clues for whether or not she is marriage material. But, I feel these thoughts are ok for the simple reason that I know that they are just silly thoughts. Fantasy and reality are almost never congruent. And I'm ok with that. Real life is often much more fun that fantasy anyways. However, some people take their fantasies to a different level.
As far as I can tell, there are three kinds of daters. The first kind has ideas for what they will be doing in the future, and there is room in that plan for a significant other, but otherwise, things will still be ok. I like this kind of dater. She is open to me, but she can also live without me. She's not going to settle. The second type knows exactly what they are going to be doing for the future, and you are not invited. Not to say they won't date you, but if they follow their plan, and it's eventual conclusion in Ethiopia, well, you'll have to buy your own plane ticket. Now, I like this girl. There's a chance you can sway her from her plan, prove that true love is in fact true, but if not, at least they enjoyed your presence. Sure, you weren't the one, but they can appreciate the relationship and let it go. Now, the third kind? The third kind, I don't like. Her fantasies will become reality, logistics be damned. She has a plan, and you, or someone like you, are involved. You just don't know it yet. Since the age of 16, she has known what the next 20 will entail. It's as if she has written the play, and she's just trying to recruit the players. Now, often times, I get lonely. I wish I was married. It's just getting older I suppose. But I'm not going to settle just because something inside me wants a ring on my finger. I'm going to wait for the right person, because I'm not a big believer of "do-overs" in marriage. But, neither does type number three, so I guess it's all gravy.
Now, I separate my fantasies from reality. But I've dated some girls that did not. Before they even knew me all that well, they decided that I was the bee's knees. But, the thing is, they weren't really liking me, the were liking the idea of me. The fantasy in their head was of us baking pies together and me holding them tenderly in the night. It was like during the first date, I already had their unconditional love. But I had done nothing to earn these feelings. This affection was not for me, or from what I had done, but just from their time with the idea of me. But I don't want to be the shadow of a fantasy. That's not fair to either party. That's why, for whatever reason, I like having to earn my first kiss by impressing a girl with my personality rather than her ogling me from the word go.
I suppose, until I walk that isle, marriage is always going to be just an idea. It's fun to think about, but at the end of the day, it is not reality, and reality is going to look nothing like my idea. I can live with that. It's fun to run in our dreams, but we also have to walk in this reality. Dreams can't hold my hand, tell me when my breath really does stink, or take care of me when I'm ill. But, I suppose my fantasies will keep me occupied for now.