A Brief History of My Virginity

This is the essay I original wrote for The American Virgin. It basically lays out how I got from Point A to Point B regarding my virginity, with plenty of digressions and tangents in-between. I suppose this is the best starting out point for this blog. It lays out my history, and future stories will flesh out aspects that are touched upon in this essay. Also, this blog will document my current dating adventures. But for now, my past.....


I am a 26 year old, white, male, heterosexual, college graduate, who is middle class and a virgin. I would say, for the most part, I am a fairly normal, well adjusted individual. I was kind of a weird kid growing up, and once I hit middle school, that attribute stopped being charming to my classmates. While I enjoyed a lot of my formative years, there was a lot of indignities and emasculation. I was also a fairly hefty kid. All of these factors added together made me a person with an acute lack of confidence. I did not go out on dates in High School. I think, in the 8th or 9th grade, upon the recommendation of my friends, I asked out a girl to a dance. This was not a popular girl, and, trying not to be mean spirited, was very much in my league. I was rejected. That was the start and end of my dating career during High School. I felt totally rejected, and absolutely hated the feeling. I realized at that point that I just couldn't handle the stress of talking to girls, or asking them on dates.

I was never beat over the head with the idea that I had to be a virgin. While I grew up in a religious household, it was not something that was often talked about. I think my Mother would have preferred me stay a virgin, but I think my father was more of the "boys will be boys" mindset, and I don't think he cared. The only sexual conversation I had with him was a very, very awkward one relating to the unreliability of "pulling out." So, though my family was not overly concerned about my virginal state, my self esteem more or less made the decision for me.

I was excited to go to college, because I felt that it would be a clean slate, and for all intensive purposes, it was. My freshman year, I met a girl. I was 19, and I shook for a while after our first kiss. I loved her, but in a puppy dog, first relationship kind of way. This girl was a very religious, and wanted to wait till marriage to have sex. I was perfectly fine with this, and at this point, I decided that I wanted to do the same. We did, however, fool around a fair bit, which I think made her uncomfortable. Though it is easy to define what a heterosexual virgin is in a religious context, I think the fact that we were traipsing the line bothered her. That, and the relationship wasn't really working. We broke up, and I became very depressed for a long while. All confidence I had gained was gone, and I did not date another girl until the end of my senior year.

I dated this girl for a year and a half. We fooled around, but, pardoning the metaphor, never went past second base. This changed after a year, and we moved to oral sex. I had been hesitant to do so, mostly because, due to my wish to wait to have sex, I didn't want to go too far too quick. Near the end of our relationship, she wanted to have penetrative sex. She said that she wanted a commitment. We were both too young for marriage (she was 20, I was 23), and I think, due to my beliefs, she felt that us having sex would be a good commitment. I was very against this. I was uncomfortable with why she wanted to do it, using sex as a surrogate of sorts for a proposal. I also think it was a way for her to attempt to fix the relationship, which was starting to fail at this point. We broke up, though we still talked. This was not good. Every time we spoke, she found little ways to whittle away my self esteem and make me feel guilty about not taking her back. I realized this after a few months, and completely broke contact.

This, as they would say, is when the renaissance occurred. Starting, after college, I started to get into shape. All in all, I lost about 60 pounds over the course of 2 years. My confidence bloomed. I realized, I'm a pretty good guy. I have a good job, I'm a nice guy, I'm very attractive, and I have a lot to offer. Girls started to notice me. I'm living my adolescent fantasies of female adoration, but I still have a hard time talking to girls, so it is a strange dichotomy. I get signals from girls, but I have a hard time acting on them. So, though I have far more opportunities with girls, I still don't date much.

I realized after that last failed relationship, that marriage was kind of an arbitrary deadline of sorts. At the end of the day, I realized that my choice to stay a virgin had nothing to do with my religious beliefs, and far more to do with my self esteem. I feel that, if I were to lose my virginity to someone, and then the relationship end, it would eat at me. I don't think I would be able to handle the rejection after sharing such an intimate, momentous experience in my life. As far as virginity goes, you only have one shot. I want it to be with someone with whom that act will build something. I want it to have emotional meaning, not just a chore to be completed in order to be considered an adult. When I lose my virginity, I want it to be with someone who I love, and I want it to be a good, positive experience for the both of us. It really doesn't matter if she is a virgin. It doesn't matter if we are married. It just matters if it is the right time, it is the right person, and that it is part of a lifetime partnership.

About a year and a half ago, I was, for lack of a better term, trying to fight my sexuality. I have these beliefs, but I also wanted to experience what it was like to have a one night stand. I don't know why. Anyways, the opportunity presented itself, and while I did not cross any boundaries I had not crossed before, the experience left me feeling very empty and confused. Physically, it felt good, but emotionally, I was conflicted. I don't think I can divorce the emotional from the sexual. It strengthened my resolve to wait for the right person to lose my virginity to, and confine any sexual activities to the boundaries of a romantic relationship.

I feel, often times, in our society, virgins are treated as naive, inexperienced, and a best, religious zealots. It is as if we can't truly know what love is, or what sexual pleasure is like. I'd like to think that I do know what love feels like, and how sexual pleasure feels. Most of my good friends know about my virginity, and though it is poked fun at, it is made fun of in a positive way. It is never used as a put down. But often times, virgin's opinions can be dismissed in conversations about sex because of their perceived inexperience. Just because I've never been to the moon doesn't mean I can't spout off facts or have a well reasoned, informed opinion on moon rocks. I know that there are a lot of virgins that are ashamed of that aspect of themselves, and I think it's due to the label that our society places on us, and the stereotypes that are held. To quote an earlier poster, my virginity does not define me. It is an aspect of my overall self. But I, to a large degree, feel empowered by my virginity. Though for many years of my life, it wasn't really a conscious choice, it is now. I have the power to say no to sex. I've heard some people regret losing their virginity, due to the circumstances of one sort or another (too young, wrong person, etc). But I have the ability to decide when, with who, and what the other circumstances are. I can make it exactly what I want it to be, and that is powerful.

When I tell a partner that I am a virgin, it is generally met with surprise. Because of how I look, I think people just assume I'm sexually active. My partners have, for the most part, respected the choice, and it has not been an issue.

As far as what virginity is, I used to believe that it applied to penetrative sex, unless the kind of sexual act was specified. However, after visiting this site, I see that that definition leaves out people of different sexual orientations. The definition of virginity depends on the act and the person. To me, when I have penetrative sex for the first time, I will no longer consider myself a virgin.